on being gwyneth

Yesterday was one of those brief moments that makes it worth it.

For the past several weeks we’ve been overhauling the apartment: throwing stuff out, getting things into and out of storage, moving components and shelving, cleaning everywhere, and most importantly, rebuilding the studio area… and this time, according to Alison’s direct needs rather than my idiosyncratic feng shui.

We finally got it to a point where she can sit comfortably, access her tools with a minimum of technological interference, and practice at will. It’s not a great solution by any means – not yet a room of her own where she can compose, think, and even just not be around me all the time – but it functions for now and we’re committed to not being static.

I was sitting at my desk – at a right angle to hers and facing outward, so we have full access to the whole arc of equipment and screens – deep in some engineering task or other, when I realized that the music I was listening to was her. I turned around and saw that she was practicing guitar to a recording of Toto’s “Girl Goodbye,” a very intricate and precise piece of power rock.

It was astonishing. She was so in the groove, so completely with the feel of the thing. I was watching a professional musician at work, not just an amateur guitarist flexing her chops.

These moments are yet few and short. She has a lot of work to do, to rebuild her stamina and focus. But when she’s on, she’s amazing, and I want nothing more than to get her that room so I can hear that sound.

1. Every Penguin for himself.
2. Except where the needs of some other penguin would preempt the needs of Morty.
3. Greed is Good. Commerce is our business. Business is our pleasure.
4. Business before pleasure.
5. Except where the business of another would prempt the pleasure of Morty.
6. I Got Mine, You Get Yours.
7. Then give it to Me.
8. If you can’t do it inebriated, it’s not worth doing.
9. The Small and Ornery shall not inherit the Earth.
10. But We shall be awarded it upon contesting the Will in Judgement Day Probate Court.
11. Schadenfreude is the best flavor of Haagen Dazs.

recently, while negotiating a bit of clinical bureaucracy, i was introduced as someone who “frequently advocates for alison.”

and it struck me that this is exactly right. that this is what i do. and that it is what i have given my energy for advocacy over to. i know that some people can advocate fully on more than one scale. but i expect it’s a rare skill. quite rare. and i find that this is pretty nearly a full-time gig, not just logistically but emotionally, attentively. to some degree it’s a zero-sum, and i’ve committed my resources.

it also makes me more aware of just where, in the past, in previous relationships, i have failed to advocate. and while nothing i can do for alison can ever make up for anything i failed to do for anyone else, karma is mostly an internal thing, a self-empathetic response that, if listened to, can unstick the old feedback loops and help one become more conscious, more responsive, more human.

i just hope it’s not too late for either of us.

i am a lazy sock-folder.

this was confirmed to me the last time we did laundry. i handed alison a sock of hers, folded nonchalantly along the creases imparted to it by the dryer. she frowned at me and handed it back, indicating her requirement that it be folded along stricter, more geometric lines.

seeing my confusion, as i fumbled with the thing for a moment, she picked up a small stack of a few socks she had properly folded, and held it in the air, turning it slowly in multiple axes like a 3d model so that i could observe from every necessary angle the correct topology of a completed fold.

it still turns in my head when i consider socks now, the platonic ideal of well-ordered footwear.

today, after attending to my affairs at the ministry, i took my ease at the club and supped with the chancellor of the exchequer.
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in keeping with just how ubiquitous pop cultural influences are, even within the military,
i think the Navy should name their next gihugic warship
the
U.S.S. Craig T. Nelson